I came to New Attitude 2008 with a tentative heart. The past year had been one of many changes in my life: moving back home after studying in England for four months, my sister getting married, moving in with her when my brother-in-law was deployed, then moving back in with my family after those 8 months, close friends leaving the church, and several other things weighing heavily on my heart that made me feel lost, forgotten, and just really unsure of what God was even doing in my life anymore.

I was excited about New Attitude, to get away from all of this confusion and to dive deep into God’s Word and learn how to better apply it to my life. I had been looking forward in particular to C.J. Mahaney’s message on “God’s Word and our Feelings” as I recognized that this troubled soul of mine needed to be addressed by Scripture. But in my pride, I was disappointed after that message, because I had heard it before, either from C.J.’s books or in other sermons. It wasn’t the “easy-one-step-solution-to-eradicating-your-feelings-of-depression” sermon that I guess I was hoping for.

But God mercifully did not leave me in my pride. At the end of the message, instead of individuals raising their hands, Joshua Harris had us pray in groups for everyone in the room. Here again, I was disappointed. “God, I know this is a good thing, to pray for others…but didn’t you have some sort of prophetic song for me, or something?” As I prayed, however, the Holy Spirit enabled me to get my eyes off of myself, and the words of truth that I prayed for others began to penetrate into my soul.

Afterward, a friend hugged me and I just started weeping. It was like the floodgates opened and I was able to truly let go of all turmoil I had been holding in heart. I didn’t know why that year had to be so hard—but God knew. I didn’t have to figure it all out or understand my heart—God did! And that was enough.

I was overwhelmed with the truth of the gospel. My soul sometimes feels crushed, but it never truly is. I feel forgotten at times, but my Lord was utterly abandoned so that I never have to face what I only think I’m facing in moments of depression. Christ fully bore the wrath of God that I deserved, and now I live in His righteousness!

Here is my hope and joy. Not in knowing God’s purpose for everything that happened that year—though now I do see fruit from it—but in the truth of the Cross. God gave me grace in that moment at New Attitude to stop listening to my troubled soul, and instead to start speaking the truth of God’s Word to it, as C.J. urged us to do.

It’s still a battle everyday, and I’ve enlisted the help of scholars and teachers such as D. Martin Lloyd Jones and Charles Spurgeon. But it is worth it. It is absolutely worth it.

Truly, no matter what changes happen in my life I can always sing this unchanging truth: “Hallelujah, all I have is Christ. Hallelujah, Jesus is my life.”

Tags: bible, Charles Spurgeon, CJ Mahaney, conference, cross, D. Martin Lloyd Jones, depression, direction, fruit, God, gospel, grace, growth, guidance, maturity, New Attitude, Next, Scripture, self-talk, speaking the truth to yourself